Blessed
Good Evening Brutton blog readers!
This update makes two . . .YES TWO . . .updates in February! Can you feel the excitement?
I live a blessed life. That may sound odd coming from a guy who lost his wife 3 months ago, but it’s true. I have incredible children, a supportive and loving family, great friends, a good job, a nice home, and a wonderful church family. And as I shared in my last update, God has wonderfully and unexpectedly provided a genuinely beautiful woman who I believe will be a big part of our future.
So yeah, I’m blessed. I know this.
What I didn’t realize until recently, is just how blessed I really am.
This past Tuesday, the kids and I attended our first grief support group through Annie’s Hope. I honestly wasn’t sure what to expect going into the evening. I felt like we were all doing pretty well dealing with our grief, but it’s important that the kids continue to have opportunities to spend their emotional energy. So we went.
As we arrived, we were greeted by a number of smiling volunteers who were eager to help. The kids were split up into pre-determined groups based on their age and ushered off to participate in some fun activities. While the kids were off having fun, I joined the rest of the adults. We arranged the chairs in a circle and were encouraged to share our stories of loss. As I sat and listened, I was filled with emotion. Perhaps for the first time, I realized just how different my family’s experience really was. You see, by the time Kathy passed, we were ready in just about every way we could be ready for such an event.
Over the course of the last few months, I have shared a lot of our life with the readers of this blog. However, there is one thing I haven’t shared. There’s one thing that I could never find the right time to discuss. Well, after listening to stories of loss the other night, many of which were heartbreaking, I’ve decided it’s the right time to share.
I’d like to tell you about Kathy’s last day.
November 15th, 2010 started out like so many days before it. I awoke early, got the kids dressed and breakfasted (I can turn nouns into verbs – they let you do that on the internet) and then got them off to their various schools. About that time, Kathy was beginning to stir and I was able to get her situated for the day. We went over the plan for the day, i.e – who was visiting, was the nurse coming, was the bath aide coming, etc. I got her some pain meds, and she dozed off for a bit. After she awoke, she wanted me to sit with her.
Now at this point, Kathy was still pretty lucid. She had her moments where you could tell she was off someplace else, and at times her speech was a bit slow, but for the most part, she was still Kathy. As I sat with her, I could tell something was concerning her. To this day, I cannot remember exactly how we got into the conversation, but she was concerned about how we would get along after she was gone. This was a conversation we shared several times before, but I think she needed to hear it one more time. So as I sat there with her on the bed, we held hands and I told her everything would be okay. I told her that preparations were already made. I assured her that the kids would be raised in our home, and they would not have to go to daycare. I told her that I would make sure the kids were raised the way she would have wanted, and they would have every opportunity to work through their grief in healthiest manner possible. I let her know that I would be okay, and she told me that she did not want me to be alone. I told her that God was not going to abandon her family after she was gone.
I held her hand, looked into her eyes and told her it was okay to go.
And then we prayed together.
Shortly after that, Chris Mason, the Worship Pastor from FBCA, came over to visit Kathy. While he was here, Kathy shared in no uncertain terms the exact music that was to be played at her funeral. For those of you who knew Kathy well, you know music was very important to her, so of course she wanted it to be a large part of her celebration. After Chris left, we were visited by our friend Shannon, who had been so helpful in the last several weeks of Kathy’s life. As Shannon was leaving, Tanya the bath aide arrived to help Kathy into the shower.
After Kathy’s shower, Tanya came to get me to inform me that something was wrong. Kathy was in significant pain, and it was different than before. I called the hospice nurse, and she came right over.
After a quick assesment, the nurse told me what I already knew. This was the beginning of the end.
After several hours, we were able to get Kathy’s pain under control, but the amount of pain medication it took to do so essentially put her into a coma. We didn’t know how long she would last that way, but we knew it wouldn’t be more than a few days.
I was able to speak with Maddie and Sarah about what was happening. We discussed what was going to happen when mom passed away, and I was able to find out what their preferences were for how and when they would find out. I did not hold anything back as I had learned what kids need most in that time is direct honesty.
That evening, family gathered around Kathy’s bedside. We laughed, we cried and we prayed.
We were prepared for what came next.
What came next happened shortly after 1:00 am on the 16th.
Kathy had the last word. She was determined to live past November 15th.
You see, Kathy’s last full day, the 15th, was my birthday.
And the end of her suffering was the greatest birthday gift I have ever received.
So let’s circle back to the support group this past Tuesday. My story was different than so many others. As I said, we were prepared. We knew what was coming. There were no surprises. We were given time to say goodbye. Kathy was able to pass away at peace knowing that her family would be taken care of. Fourteen hours after I told her it was okay to go, she was gone. And we knew exactly where she went. I did not hear another story like ours.
So yeah. We are blessed. We are blessed beyond my comprehension.
Before I conclude for the evening, I bet you are wondering how the kids did. Well, they all had a good time and are looking forward to going back. As the kids were released, Maddie found me in the crowd and came running toward me with a big smile on her face. One of the activities the counselors had them do was a ‘before and after’ (life before the death of a loved one and life after that death) picture, and she was eager to show me what she had drawn. On the ‘before side’, she drew a picture of her mom smiling and singing. The ‘after picture’ was the four of us standing there holding hands.
As I took a closer look at Maddie’s representation of life after the death of her mom, I noticed something.
We were all smiling.
The Brutton family is blessed.
And we’re gonna keep on smiling.
Thanks for reading.
